Time for a Reset?

I am still astounded at the energy drain I am still feeling from the Caleb series.  I had no idea...  Anyway...

Over the past few months, however, I have been moved to give and pray for the persecuted Christians in Iraq under the heavy hand of what is known as ISIS.  I find myself more connected with groups as Samaritan's Purse and Voice of the Martyrs.

Recently, I heard an interview with Gracia Burnham.  I had read her book, In The Presence of My Enemies, but had never heard her speak.

Gracia and her husband, Martin, were Philippine missionaries for 18 years in a town north of Manila.  Celebrating their 18th wedding anniversary at a resort on Palawan Island, they, among others, were kidnapped May 27, 2001, by the terrorist group Abu Sayyaf, with ties to Osama bin Laden.  They were captives for a year--starved, persecuted, forced to walk long marches in the jungle, and experiencing disease--when a military rescue was attempted after a delivery of a $300,000 ransom to the captors failed to secure their release.  Gracia's husband was mortally wounded in the rescue.

But as Gracia spoke in this broadcast 13 years later, she talked about what an amazing reset it was for her life...to really see herself for who she was with the capacity to hate and covet others' food...and instead of losing her faith, she clung to the only thing she had...Christ.  She spoke of God's goodness.  She knew Martin was in heaven.  She was grateful that she was spared so her children would not be orphans.  It is hard to imagine that God would require more of a faithful couple who left the American dream to serve Him in the Philippines.

What would you (or I) be willing to lose to obtain the deepest love for Christ...not because of what He can do or give...but just for who He is?

Is it time for a reset in your relationship with Him?  We are entering November.  Much of our focus is on gratitude.  Do we know the kind of gratitude and thanksgiving that Gracia was able to see after her suffering ordeal?

Please, Lord, renew my mind and heart...

When It Is Time to Rest

I presented this week to staff at the agency that serves Caleb...who has been featured in my blog the past 6 days.  I had this presentation scheduled several months ago -- long before I heard about the "write 31 days" challenge.  Coincidence?  I think not...

But it has been exhausting to relive such pain...and I also believe that the enemy hates when we are engaged in activity that glorifies God and is on the offense.  And tonight, I am tired.

Now...I could be worshiping the idol of affirmation/approval and plow through and write another article tonight...but my heart would not be in it.  Instead, I renew my mind and listen...

And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.  Genesis 2:2-3

Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.  Psalm 116:7

Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.  For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. Psalm 103:13-15 

 So tonight my hands are quiet and restful...and I rejoice in all that God has done for me.

Renewing the Mind in the Middle of Painful Change - Conclusion

I believe wholeheartedly that following Christ means a pathway of bends in the road, so we cannot see what lies ahead...but trust Him one day at a time.  I had no idea whatsoever what lay ahead when Caleb was born...but Jesus led me all the way.

After the hearing, I knew the decision would move at the pace of bureaucracy, and it would be months until I heard if we had prevailed or if we did not, which meant we would have to appeal to a higher level.

It was amazing the peace I had after that hearing.  I hardly thought about the decision.  Here was the timeline:

• November 1997 - Caleb was hospitalized in Pittsburgh
• January 1998 - Caleb went into a re-opened group home near me
• March 1998 - Informed funding for those services would cease April 1; filed due process through Ohio Legal Rights Service against our local county board of developmental disabilities
• July 1998 - Feature article about case appeared in The Cleveland Plain Dealer
• August 1998 - Administrative hearing; then hearing before the county board members

It was December.  I was sitting in a conference room waiting to meet with folks running Caleb's group home to talk about a behavior plan or something.  Kevin, Ron, and Heidi walked in and congratulated me.  For what????

I had not heard yet.  But the board members reversed the superintendent's decision, and Caleb would continue to get residential services just minutes away from me.  I would remain his mother, guardian, decision-maker, advocate, case manager, and his constant.  Caleb would be assured of a life of safety, contentment, and functioning to his highest potential.

So back to Genesis 50:20:  

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

So how did Caleb's autism and this decision affect the lives of others?  I don't have enough time, but here are a just a few ways.

• A new group home was created based on Caleb's needs making openings for 3 additional guys to have a place in a residential setting.  (There are long waiting lists!)
• Caleb's needs created 14 autism specialized classrooms in our local school district.
• Because of my experience and my job, I was able to walk beside a parent during her two-year journey with her son to fight this same fight. 

And I could go on...

I still hurt daily and yet the tears are what create the rainbows I've experienced to see God's hand on Caleb's life.  Without the renewal of God's word and leaning totally on Him (and not following after the idols of power/control, affirmation/approval, and security/comfort), I would not have made it.

But as the Psalmist wrote, "Surely the Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes!"

Renewing the Mind in the Middle of Painful Change - Part 5

I sat around a large table, next to my attorney...and the county board superintendent sat on the other side, next to his attorney.  All witnesses, including myself, were under oath.  There was a wonderful feature article in the Cleveland newspaper about this case.  At this point, my hands were wide open and I knew just as Abraham laid Isaac on the altar...so had I placed Caleb on the altar of God's will.

The Sunday prior, our pastor preached on Nehemiah 4.  I remember it was incredibly powerful!  And somehow the pastor referred to the story of Joshua and Caleb in an illustration and stated boldly, "Caleb has a great God!"  I wrote it in the margin of Nehemiah 4.  I had also underlined passages in that chapter that spoke directly to me about the opposition I would soon face.

They all plotted together to come and fight against Jerusalem and stir up trouble against it.  Nehemiah 4:8 (NIV)

 Don't be afraid of them!  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes. Nehemiah 4:14b (NIV)

Our God will fight for us! Nehemiah 4:20b 

Was that sermon a coincidence?  Absolutely not!  And I had my Bible laid open to Nehemiah 4 during the hearing.  God whispered peace to my heart through His word.

I had no agenda but what was in Caleb's best interest...and what was God's will.  None of our witnesses had an agenda different than that.  Caleb's neurologist testified as expert testimony without charging a dime.  All of us had only one thing to present...the truth. And the rest was left in God's hands.

Tomorrow...the verdict and the conclusion.

Renewing the Mind in the Middle of Painful Change - Part 4

After several months, the county agency providing supports to individuals with developmental disabilities and their families no longer wanted to pay for Caleb's intense programming.  At one point it was costing $300 per diem.  As the superintendent said to me,

"I'm not interested in taking care of your son so you can take Caribbean cruises."

It was cruel and a slap in the face...as if that was my plan!  I wanted three things for Caleb:  to be safe, able to function, and contentment.   That was impossible given Caleb's inherent issues in a family home (plus we were doing it alone).  Even his neurologist (a MAJOR autism expert) concurred that Caleb's needs were beyond the capacity of any family.

With the help of Ohio Legal Rights Service, I sued the funding agency who wanted to stop services.

Out on a limb for what was best for Caleb...the stakes were HIGH.  If we lost...if the agency could prove that Caleb no longer needed these services...I could lose custody.  But just as the pioneers traversed an unknown land...filled with dangers they could not predict...I refused to be deterred because my focus was on what Caleb needed, not me.

To fight for your 9 year old son to live outside of his home is so counter-intuitive as a mother.  I prayed for guidance and peace and confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  Secretly, I wanted a sign.  God brought one that renewed my mind and gave me amazing peace.

Sunday noon, after church.  Pulling into the driveway after church, I noticed a baby sparrow on the ground beneath a nest that had been built on the ledge of a 2nd floor window air conditioner at the house next door.  Getting the ladder out, the bird was placed back in the nest -- but the mother quickly kicked the baby bird out.  I called the park service to get some advice.  The naturalist on the phone told me if the baby had feathers it was probably time for the baby to go...that it was best to let nature take its course.  Then he said, "Do not worry...that mom's job is not over.  She will continue monitor the baby on the ground to ensure its safety from harm."

I hung up in tears.  God had used birds before to speak to me.  God had given me a tremendous gift of a new perspective, a renewal of my mind, convincing me that beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was part of His plan.  I never looked back.  That did not mean, however, that it did not hurt.

And I embrace the verse:

What is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin?  But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it...So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.  Matthew 10:31, 33 (NLT)

Isn't God's word powerful?

Tomorrow -- the legal process begins.
 

Renewing the Mind in the Middle of Painful Change - Part 3

Mea culpa to my readers...yesterday I came home from work exhausted and went to bed early...so I apologize.  Back to my story...

Despite my quest to help get Caleb all I could that would serve his attainment of his highest potential (and at the same time to defer my pain and at least pretend I had some control), while Caleb obtained the best services and education possible at that time, his autism  was swallowing him whole.  At age 8, my darling boy was still nonverbal, incontinent, becoming continually agitated, becoming aggressive, becoming destructive.  He was no longer safe, no longer functioning, and definitely not content.  I did not know how to help him.  My marriage was over.  I had no idea the price my daughter had paid as Caleb took my entire focus.

Eventually, my mother and I drove him to Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, part of the University of Pittsburgh that had a psychiatric ward for children and adolescents with developmental disabilities and psychiatric manifestations.  He was now a danger to us and to himself.  He was admitted for 30 days for further assessment, adjust medications, and make programming recommendations for increased opportunity for success at home and at school.

Caleb's autism we now knew was extremely severe.  His issues were inherent; part of his underlying disability.  There were three things that he desperately needed to make sense of his world and to not be in so much distress.  They were:

• A controlled environment
• Behavioral programming
• And structure and predictability

He did not come home to me.  The county re-opened a closed group home (it had been a convent at one time) with one-on-one staff where the environment was controlled, structure could be provided, and they could begin behavioral programming.  This was in January.

My heart was crushed with excruciating pain of a mother who felt helpless...hopeless...

But the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. --Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

And He was...

Until tomorrow...

Renewing the Mind in the Middle of Painful Change - Part 2

I wanted those days back...but they were gone forever.

Normalcy was out the window...my world became about fighting to get Caleb services, trying to keep a child safe who had no fear and very little sense of pain, advocating for him to be included as much as possible with other children, and trying to manage a child with whom I could barely communicate.  I had this highly active child who was often agitated and all my interventions seemed to fall flat and not make much difference.

When I was carrying Caleb, I knew he was a boy and named him Caleb due to Numbers 14:24:

But because my servant, Caleb, has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it. (NIV)

Prior to his birth, I prayed that Caleb would be different...envisioning him as a man of God not afraid to be in the minority by proclaiming his Lord. How do I get my arms around this?  Lord...this was not what I meant when I prayed Caleb would be different!  Often I would have to renew my mind with:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the hidden place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one ever came to be. Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

I took my grief and channeled it into advocacy and activism...getting linked up early to others who were in the same boat only further down the river.  That is, other parents of children with disabilities...many who were also Christians.  I was a sponge soaking in all I could about Caleb's rights, the special education system, learning a whole new language, and understanding autism.  Often I used this to defer my sadness...but what I did not know was that God was preparing me and Caleb for so much more.

In time I would be able to say the same as Joseph:

You (Satan) intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

More tomorrow...