MEH!

MEH… 

That’s how Friday felt.  Christmas blues are not unusual and they hit me hard this morning.  I walked into my office (already feeling this blue film on my spirits) and got hit with a bunch of emails from Columbus adding complexity, rework, changes in protocol, and hassle to what is only to be a fraction of what my job is but seems to rob me of the most meaningful parts of my work.  I did not see an end.

I can become over stimulated and more tired in December with the extra demands and chaos of Christmas at a children’s hospital.  I was doing very well, then today…ugh…I cannot even listen to my voice go on about it.  Spare me my own whining!  God give me perspective!

I was rescued by a Friday…knowing that I could center and reset for a few days after the day finished.  I am so thankful to have made the commitment to slow down Christmas daily by going through “The Greatest Gift” by Ann Voskamp.  It would be my top priority on Saturday morning…no clock to hurry me, quietness, time to sit in the flickering candles and soft Christmas music and twinkle lights, time to reflect, and nourish myself with whatever God had for me.

Who would have thought the story of Ruth and Naomi would have anything to do with Christmas?  God knew…and prompted Ann to write His message to me today.  Naomi was not having a great Christmas (having lost her husband and two sons).  It was hard to see that her widowed daughter-in-law, Ruth, was there by her side, never to leave her alone.

Ann writes:  “There are Advent moments when you’d like nothing more than to order a Christmas miracle. The one you need when it feels like no one sees you. No one sees how you really feel. How overwhelmed by the work and underappreciated by the people. No one sees that you just want someone to cup your face and look into your eyes and say your name from somewhere deep inside, like a calling home, like a belonging ~ like a holding that has you around all the fragile places and never leave.

“Some seasons are Naomi times…In some seasons, for all their gloss and glitz, it can be achingly hard to find gifts and days can feel like fists.

“Sometimes the miracle begins by growing, not in bitterness, but in faithfulness.”

Like Naomi, I sometimes miss the love around me…those who have been faithful Ruth’s in my life.

What a joy to slow down and see them…and so many abundant gifts!

Autumn Drowsies

It seems to be getting dark so early -- and we have not changed the clocks yet.  Here it is, 7:30 pm and my eyes are heavy...wanting sleep.  Tuesdays are my longest days at work.  I am  in major transition,pde  as I re-enter the five-day work week, after a beautiful two-week vacation.

Part of this is the beauty of autumn...the time of flannels and sweaters...drowsily rocking us to sleep so we are hibernated during the season of winter.

Whatever...maybe I'm just sleepy...sleeepy...sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

I thought it wasn't fair to talk about the practice of gratitude without providing some tools to do so.

Ann Voskamp provides a multitude of printables, tools, et al., here that you can sign up for to access downloads.

Forgive me for my brevity today...I am in the trenches now. (smile) So I will print out this quote by Elisabeth Elliot and rejoice in the work God gives me to do.

Dare to Be Grateful this September!

I have written in the past, actually rather often, about the power of gratitude.  Not because I think my readers don't know that...but because I need the reminder!

In 2011, I discovered Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, and it continues to impact my life.  I wrote last time about the need for one to renew their mind.  A daily gratitude list is a wonderful tool.  I keep a journal and am up to 500.

This month I am doing Ann's Joy Dare for September.  Mind if I share?

Day 1 - 3 Gifts Summer

• My gardens
• Summer color
• Summer storms

Day 2 - 3 Gifts Cut

• A slice of cake
• Fabric cut by my mother when she made me clothes
• A discount

Day 3 - 3 Gifts Yellow

• Sunflowers off my deck
• My highlighter
• Goldfinches at my feeder

Day 4 - 1 Gift Cool, 1 Gift Warm, 1 Gift Sun-soaked

• Ceramic tile on my bare feet
• My Corgi's tongue
• My cat on the porch

Day 5 - 3 Gifts Autumn

• Goldenrod
• Smell of new crayons
• Low humidity

Day 6 - 3 Gifts Growing

• My dahlias have EXPLODED!
• The sun growing lower in the sky
• Days growing closer to my West Virginia vacation!

What gifts can you find today???  If you'd like to join the September Joy Dare, you can find it here

This Ain't Gonna Be Pretty...

I need a do-over!  Today was not one that I allowed God to be graceful through me...

It was a day of hurt and frustration (which was really the expression of deep hurt), followed by a big cry once I got home.  Can I tell you about it?

I'm sure there's a gift or a good ending in here if you hang in there with me.

 

When Caleb was born, he was my heart's delight, balancing out the other part of my heart's delight, his older sister, Lydia.  This is Caleb at 9 months.

 



 



And here he is at around age 4 or 5.

Born with severe autism, he is now 24...and because his appearance has drastically changed in the past 24 months or more...today we had a genetics consult.

Ever since he was a tiny baby, I took special care for his appearance...clothes, hair, etc.

When your adult child is living in a group home with other caregivers, you relinquish some of this because needs become greater than one's ability to provide.  His haircuts had not been kept up (since he reached adolescence, he's worn it short and tight), and I noticed how sparse his hair has gotten.  It broke my heart...in addition to other features that have drastically changed.  Now this is NOT about appearance...it is about loss.  The continual losses that occur naturally with a child with a disability.

He went to see his primary care doctor, as his foot/leg appeared swollen and a blood clot had to be ruled out...off to the Emergency Room.

After an hour there, no physician had picked up his chart and had seen him.  I called (I went back to work) and left my pager number.  Another hour and a half went by.  I went to the ER looking for the doctor who was seeing him...she asked me if I was so-and-so's mother (using the wrong name).  He was waiting for an ultrasound and there was nothing to report.  I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I curtly replied, "You could have paged me to tell me he had at least been seen."  Her reply, "I did not know."  My annoyance was obvious, "No one ever does."

As a sidenote, individuals with autism spectrum disorder (and his is most severe), have a challenging time waiting...bringing on anxiety and agitation...as their routine is thwarted.  In Caleb's case, it can result in severe self-injurious behavior to his head and face.  I felt timeliness was an ADA accommodation.

I left for home...waiting for a call regarding the outcome...admission?  was there a clot? what was it?  No call came; my pager did not go off.

And I hit the front door of my house and broke down and cried as if the world was coming to an end...



I needed to cry...and be helpless...and acknowledge the core of the issue...and ask God for mercy. 

In my quiet time this morning...I did not ask God for help in what I knew what would be a difficult day emotionally...not in so many words...



Even though I was moved after hearing this song found on  Ann Voskamp's blog...

And what was underneath today's circumstances that brought so much misdirected emotion?

My mother, in her 13th year of Alzheimer's...nearly in a vegitative state...turned 85 today.  I miss our close relationship of many years...terribly. The birthday rubs salt into that gaping wound of reality.   And I have no clear way of understanding this long, seemingly meaningless endurance of this cruel disease by one of God's very own.

But did I dance through this day with the strength and endurance of God's grace?  I didn't...I failed...I'm a mess...and dust...

BUT GOD...(two of my favorite words):

  is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
⁹ He will not always accuse us
or be angry forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve
or repaid us according to our offenses.

¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His faithful love
toward those who fear Him.
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed
our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He knows what we are made of,
remembering that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass—
he blooms like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ when the wind passes over it, it vanishes,
and its place is no longer known.^[b]
17 But from eternity to eternity
the Lord’s faithful love is toward those who fear Him. (Psalm 103:8-17 HCSB)

It was going on 7:00 p.m. and I still had not heard anything with regard to Caleb's outcome.  I called the Emergency Room, who said, "We don't have a Caleb..."  I stated he was either admitted or discharged and explained who I was.  I verified who I was but that all I could learn was that he had been discharged.  I insisted as his mother and legal guardian to know what happened...but not as before.

I received the opportunity to speak to the doctor to whom I had directed my emotion.  Kindly she gave me the diagnosis and discharge instructions.  I apologized for earlier in the day and told her the source of my frustration, that it was coming from a deep place of sorrow.  She was understanding and empathetic.  I explained that for once I did not have to be the professional...but I did not intend to project my day onto hers.



So I remain imperfected, flawed to the core, but lavished with His grace as I continue my coursework in spiritual school...

At the end of the day, I am grateful for God's grace...and a love for me that will not let me go.  And an opportunity to make amends.

6 Gifts Today (Catching up) ~ Days 9 and 10

First off...Happy Anniversary to me and Edster!  Three years ago today...we had a wonderful worship service...that also served as a wedding.  My dad had died the night before...but, in typical fashion, he left early so he could get the best seat. <smile>

So...back to the Joy Dare...first...three Gifts Praised (do I have to keep it to three?)

• I've been involved in a women's Bible study on James: Mercy Triumphs by Beth Moore.  I praise God for this group...as I've been wanting to be in a Bible study for some time.  Today's homework was on how every good and perfect gift comes from God...so we were focusing on gifts there, as well.  But I praise God for the gift of this study.

• I praise God for the freedom from some major strongholds that were in my life.

• I praise God for slow mornings, with a cup of coffee, a Bible, a journal, and a blog.

Now...three Hard Eucharisteos:  This will take some explanation...

According to Ann Voskamp, eucharisteo means:

Yes, it's all Greek to me, but this is the word that can change everything: eucharisteo—it comes right out of the Gospel of Luke: “And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them…” (Luke 22:19 NIV). In the original language, “he gave thanks” reads “eucharisteo.”

The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning “grace.” Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning “joy.” Charis. Grace. Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Chara. Joy.

Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo; the table of thanksgiving. The holy grail of joy, God set it in the very center of Christianity. The Eucharist is the central symbol of Christianity. Glynn, doesn’t the continual repetition of beginning our week at the table of the Eucharist clearly place the whole of our lives into the context of thanksgiving?

One of Christ’s very last directives He offers to His disciples is to take the bread, the wine, and to remember. Do this in remembrance of Me. Remember and give thanks.
This is the crux of Christianity: to remember and give thanks, eucharisteo.

Why? Why is remembering and giving thanks the core of the Christ-faith? Because remembering with thanks is what causes us to trust; to really believe. Re-membering, giving thanks, is what makes us a member again of the body of Christ. Re-membering, giving thanks is what puts us back together again in this hurried, broken, fragmented world.

And she also defines the Hard Eucharisteo...or the Hard Thanks ~~

 …take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into a joy that fulfills all emptiness. I have glimpsed it: This, the hard eucharisteo. The hard discipline to lean into the ugly and whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty. The hard discipline to give thanks for all things at all times because He is all good…(Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

So here are my three hard Eucharisteos for today...

• Caleb's autism

•  A dead sparrow

• My mother's 12-year disease of vanishing before my eyes...

I may write more specifically about these at another time...but I love this quote from C. S. Lewis:

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

And that, is grace.  Until tomorrow...

Three Gifts Redeemed ~ Day 6

I'm a little behind due to technical difficulties with my blog...but hopefully you have found me!

SO...three gifts redeemed...from the October Joy Dare challenged by Ann Voskamp.

I must admit that this one stretched me a little...less concrete...but I just needed to look...pay attention...see!

• My blog - redeemed!  I am so thankful that, despite the technical challenges I was having with it hosted on another site, God provided a successful transfer to a new location, losing very little of my past posts, links, and other goodies. 

• A rainy day redeemed.  It is hard when you have awaited for months for a much needed vacation, for a cold, rainy day to be the weather forecast and plans are altered.  Edster and I laid low today...I gave him extra time to lay down to get his chronic pain under control...then around 3:30 p.m., we wandered on one-lane backcountry roads throughout Tucker and Randolph counties.  Because it had rained and it was cloudy, the color was astoundingly brilliant with saturation.  An ideal alignment of details for a photographer wanting to capture Fall color.

• The redemption of a broken life.  Because of a mostly-inside day, Edster and I watched the movie, Amazing Grace ~ the story of William Wilberforce and his impact on the end of slavery in the British empire.  In the story, a man, John Newton, a former slave trader, who came to know Christ, and influenced Wilberforce in his long battle to abolish slavery in England, is featured.  John Newton wrote the words to the well known hymn, Amazing Grace.  And while the composer of the tune is named as "unknown," many believe that it was an African tune Newton had heard his slave cargo hauntingly sing in the bowels of the ships that carried them ~ the scale is consistent with African music of that time.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now I'm found;

'Twas blind, but now I see.

 

This is my story as well...to be redeemed, salvaged, healed, restored, found, saved, renewed, a new creation...though still imperfect and sometimes a mess...God's amazing grace continues to redeem me!







Three Gifts Returned ~ Day 5

Well, I thought I would have so much more time on vacation…wrong!

There’s so much to see and do!

So, continuing my Joy Dare … three gifts returned … I think the challenge of all this is just taking the time to see, pausing to think…

A smile returned from my youngest grandson, Elijah…

The squeeze back on my hand from my elderly  mother who no longer knows who I am…

 

The wag of Bruno's stub tail when he hears me call his name...

 



It’s all grace… 



 

Three New Mercies ~ Day 2

Starting this challenge yesterday, I will confess to you that finding the abundant gifts of God are almost second nature when you are away from the dailyness of life on vacation in a beautiful sanctuary that is "almost heaven."

Not so easy with chores, to do's, clocking-in and clocking-out, have-to's, and the tedium breathing down your neck.

But the gifts are there...

Three gifts falling today...

 

1. The pages of God's Word falling open on my lap in the morning.

 

2.  The crashing sound of falling water in one of my favorite places on earth...just being here is a gift.

 

3.  The fog that came rolling in as the clouds fell upon us in the upper elevations at Dolly Sods.  The mood in the photos I captured were unattainable any other way...without God's gift of fog.

What gifts of falling do you see today?  Repy...I'd love to know!

 

Taking the Joy Dare ~ Day 1

I'm taking on Ann Voskamp's challenge this month...

If we are to live differently, then we must see differently...

As October so beautifully escorts in a calmer, reflective, more deliberate season...I'm going to purposefully look for the three gifts (mercies) listed for each day on this beautiful printable.  Care to join me?  You can find it in the October 1, 2012 post at www.aholyexperience.com (Go down to the bottom and click the picture to get to the .pdf...) I do apologize but my links are not working tonight for some odd reason...

So...three gifts orange!

 

1. The orange leaf on the gray deck of the vacation home where we are staying.

 

2. The orange glow of the  morning waking up in Canaan Valley...and God waking me up to capture it!

3.  The fluffy orange face and tail of the frisky red fox in our driveway as we pulled in from a day's outing.

It was a year ago, while on our Fall vacation, that I picked up and read One Thousand Gifts for the first time, after a dark couple of years.  It has been transforming!  And I re-read it on this trip for renewal and to celebrate a year filled with seeking and finding the new merciful gifts of God that continue to blow my mind!

See you tomorrow for 3 Gifts Falling!

 

Behind the Scenes - Reflection of You

Gifts abound!!!!!  An amazing surprise occurred through Kim Klassen's e-c0urse Beyond Layers...and a brand spanking new course by Kim and Xanthe inspirational e-course on blogging!  Starting on June 26, the class, Behind the Scenes - Reflection of You, began.  And now I am ready to share!!!

So, how did I get to this point...to wanting to share my self, my journey, my faith, and my photography publicly on a blog and spend money on an e-course, to boot?  This is the timeline of my creative journey that brought me to this point:



I had no idea when I bought my first DSLR as a "congratulations" gift to myself for getting my dream job that it would be a ticket to an incredible journey.  Two months' after starting my "dream job," my father was diagnosed with glioblastoma, for which there is no cure, and died six months later...the day before my wedding...which I had planned to be a bigger affair so folks could see my father one last time.  Suffice it to say, I was in a world of hurt in grief, losing my dad...who had been available every day of my life, who was my connection to my mother, and who was always strong and never vulnerable.

By next summer, I picked up that DSLR and decided I would learn to use it beyond point and shoot.  Well, the bug bit!  And just to make it bite even harder...I joined Flickr!  Wow...what a wonderful community of photographers and creative artists!  Inspiration deluxe...  I started seeing some wonderful "art"-like photos...using textures... Note to self:  must investigate.  After experimenting with some freebies...and looking at others' work...a name kept surfacing..."Kim Klassen."  So...I checked her out.

I've always been creative...drawing stick figures at 18 months and able to draw Fred and Wilma Flintstone in Kindergarten (in 1962...wow).  Able to write stories and poems...evolved into fashion sewing...quilting...needlework...home decorating...but as a young adult, I had to focus on what would make a living.  Okay...back to the timeline...I digress.

I could feel myself beginning to change with every click of my camera...seeing things I had never seen, because I did not stop to see...I had never taken the time to look...and with this focus, a sense of healing began to take place.

I signed up for Texture Tuesday (free textures to play with!) and then took some free tutorials.  I invested some cash to take The Essentials to get a more structured approach to learning Photoshop (although I had learned SO much already on my own).  But still, although my photographic journey was expanding my creative self and bringing about a healing, there was still something lacking.

Since my father died, I had what in my mental health profession speak of as attenuation of affect...I did not feel bad - I did not feel good - I felt nothing.  Life had lost its zing!!  Other than my photography, I had lost my passion for everything.



While on vacation October 2011, the second anniversary of my father's death, I discovered a treasure and a new way of living in Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts".

Though I had accepted Christ and have followed Him for 30 years, I was definitely in a dry desert of grief during the past two.  I read Ann's book aloud each day to my wonderful husband.  You'll have to read the book for yourself to fully understand...but the concept is to focus on the incredibly amazing gifts God gives us every day...that we fail to see because we fail to look!  And my ongoing quest to live a life of gratitude began and it has been transforming!

The combination of using my camera "to see" and to look for God's gifts to capture...was the recipe necessary to heal.  And I could not keep quiet about it.  I wanted to share it with everyone.

After weeks returning from our trip, a new e-course was announced, Beyond Layers - A Year of Art Full inspiration.  This was more than about photography or techniques, although that has been a part of it; it has focused on inspiration, on our creative life, and on our inner life, embracing the way God has made us.  And I am only at the halfway point...it's exciting to anticipate where the next six months takes me.

Now, I felt ready to "put myself out there" and start a blog combining God's gifts, my photography, my life, and all that God shows me day after day.  And then another announcement as mentioned earlier...a class with many others around the world like me ...which brings me to here.

From that day in Best Buy selecting my congratulatory Nikon DSLR to now...I see the hand of God gently guiding and gifting through it all...including the dark, dry, desert days and can proclaim that truly All is Grace!

With gratitude,