The Solace of Flowers

I have started a new class called Start to Finish...more about the creative process and inspiration than about specific how to's...

I put together a still for the challenge provided on Day 1.

My Edster bought me several cut hydrangeas at the Acme...and it got me to thinking (which is always scary)...

I've truly enjoyed my garden this year...planted a lot of new perennials and some different annuals.

But what is the purpose of flowers?  Yes, I know the botanical theories and that they are needed to pollinate for procreation of ongoing offspring year after year.

But God is beyond genius.  His wisdom and ability cannot be contained.  He could have accomplished this same objective in a variety of ways.

I like to think He chose flowers as a special gift  to us...that He knew their beauty would bring us comfort, inspiration, and solace.

He always gets it right...

For each perfect gift of thine

to our race so freely given,

graces human and divine,

flowers of earth and buds of heaven

Lord of all, to Thee we raise,

this our sacrifice of praise.

- words from Folliott S. Pierpont, c. 1864   

You Can't Have One Without the Other

As I progress through the current book I'm reading...The Gifts of Imperfection...by Brene' Brown.  She's spent her career as a researcher of shame and resilience, spending the past ten years focusing how the gifts of imperfection can lead to wholehearted living.

She writes about over the years to research...there are certain concepts that cannot stand alone.

The concepts of joy and gratitude...without gratitude, there is no joy.

A virus got ahold of me and kept me in the house for four days...as well as took my voice.  We have had the long-awaited 70-degree spring, sunny days those four days.  I felt as if I might miss Spring in Ohio because I couldn't get out in it.

I went back to work today...at about 50%...but I went.  After dinner, Edster and I took a walk with the doggies...a slow stroll through the neighborhood.  I inhaled the Spring air and each bloom and blossom were eye candy as all the lawns were a lush green.  I viewed the neighborhood a little differently...a gratitude walk...not only to be outside, but to have the privilege to be surrounded by the brief beauty of the choreography of Spring.

And then there it was...the reviving of joy in the deepness of my soul.

My God, you are so creative and so amazing by what I see...how can anyone deny you or think that for one moment a relationship with the God of the Universe is dull.

Finding God...Finding a Miracle

My work week was short due to the New Year's holiday...

But it required the energy of six weeks packed into three days...

But I was witness to the hand of God in the midst of loss...a miracle.

Working with a family whose little one is dependent on technology for sustaining life, some very chaotic circumstances brought him into a hospital stay before Christmas.  The circumstances catapulting the admission were confusing and hard to understand.  Why?  Why now?

Returning to work this past Wednesday, I learned that the apartment directly above the family's apartment caught on fire in the early morning hours.  All the units are uninhabitable.  On top of everything else, now this?

And yet, somehow, God knew...and this child was in the hospital...at the right place...at the right time.  And God used the chaos...something God knew all about...and used it in a very redeeming way.

So what may appear as a dark, stormy time in our lives that makes no sense, if we will ask God and take the time to seek, we will see that He is in the middle of it all...holding us close to His heart.

Remembering God's Mercies When I Hurt...Part II

I really had no idea how God could break through and help me see His gifts in the pain I spoke about in my last entry...I doubted  it could be possible.  My perspective was dismal.  That was my first wrong move.



This week we had psychosocial intensive time with the two doctors doing their pediatric palliative care fellowships with us over the next 12 nonths.  On Wednesday. I was able to spend four hours with one, talking about my role as a social worker on the team, my training, educating about areas not necessarily covered in or known from medical curriculum.  She knew about my son and that a part of my acquired knowledge was enhanced by the necessity of being informed to advocate for him.  She asked, "What things became available to your son because of this, that he might not have received?"

To answer, I had to pause to think...and blessings came flooding in.  These are only some of the things I shared with her:

• At age 5, I sent Caleb to Vacation Bible School, along with his 8 year old sister, at The Chapel...a mega-church in Akron.  They had a "special needs class" but I wanted Caleb to be in a class with typical children (his severity of autism was still not known).  He was assigned a one-on-one to aide him as he needed.  Fourteen years later, I was at Barnes &  Noble and saw a woman reading a book on Asperger's Syndrome.  I walked past her and said, "That is an excellent resource."  She asked if I worked with children with autism and answered "yes."  She stated her concerns that her adolescent son might have this disorder and she did not know anyone with autism...except a little boy who came to Bible school named Caleb.  My eyes welled with tears and I said, "That was my son."  This was the woman assigned to him and she said with tears, "Ohhhh, he taught us SO much more than we could give to him.  He was such a gift!"

•  In his school, the largest public school district in our county, they were not "used to" having students with autism and most were classified as multi-handicapped placed in classrooms  that were not designed to meet the complex needs of autism.  This was not acceptable and I pushed for the district to create an educational setting for him in the regular school that met his need for environtmental controls, programming and structure.  It was so successful that Caleb was the pioneer of the ACHIEVE classrooms -- 14 of those classrooms were established all over the district by the time he graduated, all because of him.


• By the time Caleb was 9, his need for programming, a controlled environment, and structure, was becoming more than I could provide at home.  He was becoming extremely agitated, aggressive with his frustrations toward property and sometimes me...flailing out of despair rather than targeted purposeful attacks.  Unable to work and receiving no support services, I filed due process against the agency charged with meeting these needs.  I was in a full blown court case.  The stakes were high!  He needed to be in a group home setting in a regular house in a regular neighborhood -- no more than 4 in the home plus trained staff.  I must tell you this was SO counterintuitive as a mother!  I would die on the sword for him if he would have benefited - but I was expending all I had and still he was not content, functioning, or safe.   I so needed a word from God to know I was following His plan.  Faithfully, before I could even ask, he provided!

After church, getting out of the car in the driveway, I noticed a baby bird on the ground.  Looking up, there was a nest of sparrows on the ledge of a window air conditioner.  I got out the ladder, climbed up, and put the baby bird back in the nest.  Immediately, the mother flew and kicked the baby out.  Distressed...I called the metro parks.  The ranger asked if the bird had feathers...which the baby did.  He said, "Then it is most likely time for the bird to go."  I asked, "What about cats?"  The ranger said, "Oh, just because the baby is out of the nest, the mother will still monitor, feed, and protect.  Her work is by no means over."  I said, "So you're saying it's best for nature to take its course."  He said "absolutely."

I hung up the phone, eyes welled with tears.  How could it have been any clearer?  How could I doubt God's Providence?

I recalled what Jesus said in Luke:  Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?^[a] And  not one of them is forgotten before God. ⁷ Why,  even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not;  you are of more value than many sparrows.

Caleb had a great God and we won the due process.  Now living 15 minutes away...he is content, safe, and functioning at a level beyond my dreams.   This was an unheard accomplishment and became known across Ohio.  A group home was created and structured around his needs, opening opportunities for three others with the same needs yet unserved.

And my reflection and answers on Wednesday to this doctor brought many more blessings and gifts to mind, because of this beautiful soul God chose to bestow to me.  Too many to mention here.   No longer did I see the pain of Sunday...but only the mercies showered on me over the years and God's gift of remembering and reflecting on it with the doctor.

With gratitude,

Remembering God's Mercies While Hurting...Part I

Sunday was devastating!  Church was wonderful...time with my husband out shopping for new polos and oversized T-shirts for my son, Caleb.  Have I told you about him?  That would take a separate blog alone!  But let me try...briefly.



Caleb, named after Caleb of the Bible who chose to stand in the minority and about whom God said, "has a unique spirit and serves me wholeheartedly," is 23 years old, has severe/profound autism, nonverbal, functions at an 18-month level, and lives in a group home with 3 others; it is also staffed 24/7.  He has extroadinarily high  needs of environmental controls, structure, behavioral programming, and predictability in order for him to be safe, content, and functioning...equating to the best life for him as possible.

Very often on Sundays, we get Caleb and take him to his favorite place - McDonald's - and go for rides in the country.  But this past Sunday, going to the group home, I was flooded with pain, hurt, and anger...as so many of the basics with regard to staff providing care responsibilities had been totally neglected and the competence of staff was very questionable.  In truth, except for one staff person where I am sure the issue is competence, the true issue is laziness.



So...how do I find the gifts or look for the mercies of God when I am blinded by righteous indignation that Caleb, dependent for full assistance with everything, is not served with the dignity and the quality of life he is entitled to?  Well, stay tuned, as my next entry will show you how this was possible and how God incredibly reminded me of His providence and gracious mercy in the middle of my hurt.

With gratitude,

Behind the Scenes - Reflection of You

Gifts abound!!!!!  An amazing surprise occurred through Kim Klassen's e-c0urse Beyond Layers...and a brand spanking new course by Kim and Xanthe inspirational e-course on blogging!  Starting on June 26, the class, Behind the Scenes - Reflection of You, began.  And now I am ready to share!!!

So, how did I get to this point...to wanting to share my self, my journey, my faith, and my photography publicly on a blog and spend money on an e-course, to boot?  This is the timeline of my creative journey that brought me to this point:



I had no idea when I bought my first DSLR as a "congratulations" gift to myself for getting my dream job that it would be a ticket to an incredible journey.  Two months' after starting my "dream job," my father was diagnosed with glioblastoma, for which there is no cure, and died six months later...the day before my wedding...which I had planned to be a bigger affair so folks could see my father one last time.  Suffice it to say, I was in a world of hurt in grief, losing my dad...who had been available every day of my life, who was my connection to my mother, and who was always strong and never vulnerable.

By next summer, I picked up that DSLR and decided I would learn to use it beyond point and shoot.  Well, the bug bit!  And just to make it bite even harder...I joined Flickr!  Wow...what a wonderful community of photographers and creative artists!  Inspiration deluxe...  I started seeing some wonderful "art"-like photos...using textures... Note to self:  must investigate.  After experimenting with some freebies...and looking at others' work...a name kept surfacing..."Kim Klassen."  So...I checked her out.

I've always been creative...drawing stick figures at 18 months and able to draw Fred and Wilma Flintstone in Kindergarten (in 1962...wow).  Able to write stories and poems...evolved into fashion sewing...quilting...needlework...home decorating...but as a young adult, I had to focus on what would make a living.  Okay...back to the timeline...I digress.

I could feel myself beginning to change with every click of my camera...seeing things I had never seen, because I did not stop to see...I had never taken the time to look...and with this focus, a sense of healing began to take place.

I signed up for Texture Tuesday (free textures to play with!) and then took some free tutorials.  I invested some cash to take The Essentials to get a more structured approach to learning Photoshop (although I had learned SO much already on my own).  But still, although my photographic journey was expanding my creative self and bringing about a healing, there was still something lacking.

Since my father died, I had what in my mental health profession speak of as attenuation of affect...I did not feel bad - I did not feel good - I felt nothing.  Life had lost its zing!!  Other than my photography, I had lost my passion for everything.



While on vacation October 2011, the second anniversary of my father's death, I discovered a treasure and a new way of living in Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts".

Though I had accepted Christ and have followed Him for 30 years, I was definitely in a dry desert of grief during the past two.  I read Ann's book aloud each day to my wonderful husband.  You'll have to read the book for yourself to fully understand...but the concept is to focus on the incredibly amazing gifts God gives us every day...that we fail to see because we fail to look!  And my ongoing quest to live a life of gratitude began and it has been transforming!

The combination of using my camera "to see" and to look for God's gifts to capture...was the recipe necessary to heal.  And I could not keep quiet about it.  I wanted to share it with everyone.

After weeks returning from our trip, a new e-course was announced, Beyond Layers - A Year of Art Full inspiration.  This was more than about photography or techniques, although that has been a part of it; it has focused on inspiration, on our creative life, and on our inner life, embracing the way God has made us.  And I am only at the halfway point...it's exciting to anticipate where the next six months takes me.

Now, I felt ready to "put myself out there" and start a blog combining God's gifts, my photography, my life, and all that God shows me day after day.  And then another announcement as mentioned earlier...a class with many others around the world like me ...which brings me to here.

From that day in Best Buy selecting my congratulatory Nikon DSLR to now...I see the hand of God gently guiding and gifting through it all...including the dark, dry, desert days and can proclaim that truly All is Grace!

With gratitude,

Just Be

Early May...Spring clearly here...I walked out onto the deck and ventured to the pond on our vacation rental.  There had been much hard rain overnight and the water was somewhat of a murky brown.  There on the surface, I saw this green, solitary leave...dappled with waterdrops.  Just floating, just being.

How do I just "be"...be still...be a presence...be enough?  So many times my mind is racing so fast and I am caught up in endless activity...and when I am trying to have downtime, I still feel the need to be "doing" something.  How much do I miss because I don't stop?  What lessons do I not learn because I'm occupied?  And how many times do I do fumble the ball and cause damage trying to fix something by inadvertentlyy saying something stupid, rather than just be a presence for someone who is going through a difficult time?

My camera slows me down.  Writing slows me down.  But often, especially in my work world, I am more of a Martha vs. a Mary person.  And even if my body isn't flying around...my thoughts are.  And I know I am not alone.  Even in the quiet, I'm thinking about a to do list or on the weekend thinking about what I need to do on Monday.  My thoughts ruminate and I get stuck.  And then I wonder, "Where is God?"  In essence, wondering why I do not feel close to him.  A perfect passage explains it in I Kings 19 how often God comes in a whisper that we cannot hear because we do not stop to listen...not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I've come to believe that living fully in the present is a spiritual discipline.  It is my responsibility.  C. S. Lewis  paraphrases in the movie,  Shadowlands, about a painting he had in his nursery:  "We live in the shadowlands. Sun is always shining somewhere else... around a bend in the road... over the brow of a hill."  Eluding to how we are always wanting to be somewhere else other than where we are.  And yet, as a Christian, we are to be as children, just delighting in NOW.  Later in the movie, C. S. Lewis comes across the actual place in the nursery painting and says to his new wife, Joy:

You know, I don't want to be somewhere else anymore.
I'm not waiting for anything new to happen...
not looking around the next corner and over the next hill.
I'm here now. That's enough.

- That's your kind of happy, isn't it? (Joy)

Yes. Yes, it is.

I want to live as God has made me to live...to delight in Him...I'm here now. That's enough.

With gratitude,