Saturday

When I've had time to contemplate today (while babysitting my 8-month-old grandson), I reflected on the day after each one of my parents died.  They both died after living long lives and their passing was consistent with the natural cycle of life.  Expected.

Both "next days" were surreal.  It was hard to fathom that for the first time in my life I was without my father...and the same was true when my mother died.  Everything changed.  A cloud cast its shadow on every activity and every thought.  Life lost its zing.  There were no words for my pain.

Sarah Ockler wrote:

Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much gravity on my heart.

Did Jesus' mother even sleep that night?  Were his followers helplessly replaying the previous day's events over and over like a broken record?  Was their loss compounded by fear for their lives and regret at their own responses to Friday?

Scripture is silent about Saturday.  I'm convinced we cannot comprehend the emotional suffering and devastation all those close to Jesus experienced.  They did not have the benefit of knowing how Sunday would turn out.  In such agony, did they dare hope?

Love So Amazing

I have been very cognizant of the significance of this day...the day my Savior died.

The weather outside today appeared as if the earth was grieving...weeping...remembering the events of 2,000 years ago.

And as I contemplate this incomparable sacrifice, a question keeps mulling over in my head:

What have I done with His gift of grace?

My life has been infested with failures...but my Father is the One, through His Son, who redeems and restores and has done so!  Not by the good that I have done...but by His grace.

Brennan Manning writes:

To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to be in need of grace. Honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are saved sinners.  There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.

This daughter of a proud, self-reliant Appalachian man who loved God...must live every moment of every day in desperate neediness and reliance on nothing else but God's grace.  I must plead daily for God to empty of myself so Christ can be seen.

Love so amazing...so Divine...demands my soul...my life...my all.

More tomorrow...

The Hardest Peace

This afternoon a dear young woman, a friend never met, Kara, went home to Jesus after a 2-1/2 year battle with breast cancer.

I find her death this afternoon quite profound tonight as tears have flowed over some serious symptoms with my grandson, Gabriel.  This friend, in her death, points me to Jesus.  Gabriel has an MRI tomorrow.

When everything becomes debased of value...and control is slipping like sand through your fingertips...Jesus can truly be seen.  All that glitter is not gold and when all the clamor desists, one Truth remains.  Jesus.  I used to sing this song often at church...

You have faced the mountains of desperation.  You have climbed, you have fought, you have won.  But this valley that lies coldly before you casts a shadow you cannot overcome,

Instead of asking why did it happen, think of where it can lead you from here. And as your pain is slowly easing, you can find a greater reason to live your life triumphant through the tears.

When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus.  He is more than just an answer to your prayer.  And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.  When answers aren't enough, He is there.

Kara lived her life in knowing peace in the hardest places.  She fought for a soft heart, to be kind, and find God's goodness in suffering.

And as I do not know the answers to what is faced tomorrow...Jesus is there.

Please honor Kara Tippetts with me by watching this video...

My One Little Word 2015 - Mindful

My Little Word for 2015 is “mindful.”  [I'm participating in Ali Edwards' annual 12-month journey.]

 As I turn 58 this year, I am “mindful” of the fact that my life is finite and that each day I am given is truly a gift.  How many years have I gone through life either so self-absorbed or mindless that each day mattered?  Half-asleep?

At work, we are doing a yearlong series on “practicing mindfulness.”  As much as it is trying to not focus on this, there is no question that mindfulness is a concept of Buddhism, Hinduism, and Transcendental Meditation.  That’s a shame, because I do believe my Christian life is to be one that is mindful…and it has nothing to do with the world’s definition.

As a child, my pastor, Rev. Smith, wrote in my autograph book (do they even have those anymore?) “Only one life,’twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.”  It has been on my mind for weeks.

 I want to be aware of life as it comes by each moment by moment.  Every action is purposeful and means something (and not all is positive).  But if I am not mindful of it, how can I correct or adjust?

One night last week I got into bed so mindful of the warmth and security of those plaid flannel sheets in bed.  What else have I missed through hurry?

 I also chose this word so that I take responsibility over the daily choices I make.  This can be with regard to what I eat, what I say, what I think, what I deny, what I avoid, what I write, how I write or say something, what I do with my time, what I don’t do with my time, when I go to bed, when I get up, how I spend my time-talents-treasures (to coin a phrase from Howard Duma), how I respond, how I nurture myself and others, what I give, when I give, how I give, and on-and-on.

 Maybe I’m at the time of my life where I start to experience irreplaceable losses as if I’m running out of time.  My parents are now both gone to heaven.  My mother’s best friend, Mary, who is such a strong connection to my mother, turns 80 this year. 

I have a husband, a son, a daughter, three grandsons, patients/families, coworkers, neighbors, strangers that I come across every single day.  How can I make a difference if I am not mindful?  How can I leave a mark that points to Jesus if I’m not mindful of my own accountability? 

Life goes fast.  It is a gift.  I want to be mindful with every ounce I have and soak it all in out of gratitude to my God and Savior, who is ever mindful of me.

     Linking up to Write Tribe Pro Blogger Challenge

Happy New Year and Wrap-Up

My 31-day series on Renewal of the Mind was quite the journey for me.  Not only convicting, but also forced me to dig deeper on a subject that can be life changing.

One of the insights I have gained is how my mind is renewed by practicing gratitude regularly.  I see gifts and blessings from God when I stop to see.  I cannot be grateful and complain simultaneously.  And gratitude is not just lip service, but comes from the deep caverns of one's heart.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want (for anything)." 

Psalm 23:1 (italicized my addition)

If you are interested in digging deeper into renewing your mind or practicing gratitude in your walk with Christ, I would encourage you to read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and/or "Idol Lies" by Dee Brestin.  I will be...AGAIN!

Happy New Year.  May 2015 be a transforming year for you as God continues to complete the work that He has begun.

Confessions of an Idolater

Did you know that I found happiness in West Virginia????  I did!  I took a photo of it, see?

Ed and I were visiting favorite friends in Morgantown, West Virginia which included the football game of the year for the Mountaineers.  I saw this when we got gas...and I had to photograph it.  I knew it would be coming to a blog near you soon.

I started this series and acknowledged my idolatry here...but I stayed pretty benign and safe with my confession.  But I bow down to the idol of security and comfort (details to follow).   To review, the main idols in our lives that can manifest in a myriad are:

• power/control
• approval/affirmation
• security/comfort

I admit it!  I don't necessarily go after highs or to feel spectacular...I just don't like to feel bad or uncomfortable.  I did not return to school until 46 to finish my undergrad (while working full time) and then went straight to graduate school (leaving an income behind) getting my Master's one month shy of my turning 50.  Scholarly work is solitary work...a lot of writing and reading.  And I would get anxious under the pressure...and I did not like that feeling.  Eating curbed that feeling...and I could do it while writing or reading!

After grad school, I had to develop my career, which means you go to boot camp.  For me it was doing outpatient therapy with children, adolescents and families in inner city Cleveland (an hour away), putting in 60 hours at least eacg week with immense pressure to meet productivity of billable hours. I would get home around 9:30 at night to follow with several hours doing paperwork.  I noticed I would experience a small woosah by stopping at Swensons for a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake without leaving my car before digging into regurgitating therapy progress notes.

Eventually, I got into healthcare and a job that had been on my radar since I interned there. I was working in a premiere center where the performance bar was pretty high.  Weeks into the job, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer...in six months he was gone.  I had to perform (I was still in proving ground) despite the horrible feelings of grief and loss.  But what seemed like harmless calming with carbs had now become a stronghold  in my life.

I did not notice this when I took this photo, but do you see that evil creature in the corner of the window where you place your order?  I did not notice it because I was focused on the happiness.  In the same way, I did not see that I was becoming enslaved with worshiping security and comfort...seeking it through other ways than finding those things in Christ alone.  Not only have I allowed this stronghold in my life, but I have also crushed the heart of God when He wants me to worship Him only...  He is not only worthy, but He also knows that He can meet my need for security/comfort.  He's so clear on this!

Come to me all who are weary and beaten down, and I will give you rest.  Matt. 11:28

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto You: Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.  Psalm 61:2

Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the right time.  Casting all your anxiety upon Him, for He cares for you.  I Peter 5:6-7

When my anxious thoughts multiply in me, Your consolations delight my soul.  Psalms 94:19

So at the end of this series, it comes down to the conviction and gentle guidance the Lord has laid on my heart...to seek Him and Him only...casting my idol aside...as I continually renew my mind with His word.

Road to Bethlehem

Another person unsolicited told me they love reading my blog...

Humbled...I have no idea how much exposure it has...but God is using it...and I've been neglecting it.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a big fan of Ann Voskamp's writings and blog.  I purchased an advent "wreath" handmade by her son, Caleb.  It was so fresh, I could smell the shellac when I took it out of the box last year.

Adding a candle for each day in December, it leads the donkey, Mary, and Joseph to the manger.

Another new advent tradition has been reading these 3.5 x 3.5 sticky notes from Ann you can download here.  Reading one a day has made a huge difference this Christmas...

I know many our experience desperate circumstances when this season emphasizes cheer and "troubles will be out of sight."  I sent a set of these to an incredible friend of mine who is hurting because I knew how they were helping me.  I've had my share of heavy, loss-laden Christmases. Mind if I share one?

I will believe in God's grace for

impossible things today.

Because no situation is more hopeless than

my Savior is graceful.

And no personal choice that

muddied my life can ever trump

the divine choice to wash my life clean.

That is always the secret to unwrapping

the biggest, greatest, grandest gift:

believe that the love of Jesus is in

the place where I don't expect it.

And THAT my dear friends is TRUTH!  Let's remember Bethlehem...where it all began...

...and let it lead us to the Greatest Gift.

PS:  My 31 days will finish before the end of the year...I'm waiting on God's timing for the next post as it is a difficult one.  Stay tuned!