Cynical Love - The Battlefield of the Mind - Day 13

Have you paid attention to the ever-expanding rhetoric in our culture these days that drips of cynicism and sarcasm?  (Turn on a cable news channel or watch a sit-com, if you doubt it.)  How everyone is suspect of having their own agenda or revealing only half-truths?  That everything is a scam or pyramid scandal or ponzi scheme?  Someone wants to get the upper hand in their position, their popularity, their standing at your expense?

And while I do not believe God wants us to be naive...actually He wants us to be wise as serpents (Matthew 10:16)...to be aware, with eyes wide-open, to be discerning...but in that same verse Jesus talks about also being harmless as doves.  In other words, don't handle the insight you have been given carelessly and thereby hurting others.

In the battlefield of our mind...the enemy can twist our thoughts about others in a way that matches our culture...being suspicious, cynical, sarcastic...even paranoid.  Ever walk into a room that gets quiet and you are sure they were talking about you?  Well, do you know that they were?  Or innocent, inadvertent oversights by others...your mind creates scenarios that something innocent was part of a deliberate slight or slam against you...and without empirical evidence, the mind creates an offense against the innocent, and a root of bitterness evolves, and the next thing you know you are harboring unjustified grievances against this person.

Jesus says, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;

it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its

own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hope all things, endures all things.

I Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV)

If love is to be our trademark, we must guard against the culture that wars against this battlefield of our minds before our love for God and each other is no longer recognizable.

Beyond Beyond - Day 7 - Without You

People have been dropping like flies in the hospital with this stomach bug...and now we know it has gone global...as it visited our dear friend, Kim Klassen.

But this week, it was worth the wait (but not worth Kim's misery), as she gave us a photo to take from step one with only a white balance adjustment provided and edit it into our own image.

Here is the original image:

When I looked at this image - what first struck me was the looooooooooooong shadows...the late afternoon shadows, reminding me of about the time I get home from work on a hot, humid summer dog-day.  I wanted to capture that in my interpretation.  There's no relief, you can't sit outside because it is too hot, unless you have a SunSetter Awning or put your feet in cold water.

I remember that kind of a day as a child...usually I had been playing with the neighbor kids, drained, and wanting to come in from the heat.  My mother would be watching "Another World," her favorite soap in the 1960s.  As a grown up, its the time of day I want to rip my bra off and lounge in comfy, airy clothing.  Or I might take a cold shower to cool down my skin...only to feel sticky five minutes after.

Doesn't that sound pleasant?  My point exactly.  You feel like the sun will never creep down and the day will never close.

So here's my interpretation...

And that's exactly the way I feel when my Edster is not here...

So grateful for him!!!!!

Not Your Average Valentine's Day Card

Well, Edster drives me to work and picks me up after work nearly every day...I don't usually go out once I'm home so I can get some time with my camera, my photographs, my writing, blah blah blah...

Suffice it to say...it's a challenge to go out by myself with him not being suspect...like, what's she scheming?

Very hard to surprise with a card on this Valentine's Day...but have no fear...!!!!

Paper Coterie to the rescue...

Check out this little freebie (I'll have the download link for you at the end here)...LOVE NOTES!!!!

All these little notes where you can write your own messages, personalize them...etc.  I think they're meant to spread around...but my Valentine is all deserving

So after work Edster went to Sam's...I got to work writing them out and putting them all over the mirror.

(Sidenote:  The spot healing tool is great when you don't have time to clean the mirror first!)

As of this writing...the Edster has yet to see it.  Men have it easy...they can pay the water bill without turning on the light...

But now I have it lightly dimmed...so next trip he will not be able to miss it...

His response...film at 11.

And as promised,  you download these love notes here...I printed mine on a medium white card stock...

Happy Valentine's Day and lastly...

I am grateful for my wonderful valentine who is proof of Ephesians 3:20...

Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us—
 

This Ain't Gonna Be Pretty...

I need a do-over!  Today was not one that I allowed God to be graceful through me...

It was a day of hurt and frustration (which was really the expression of deep hurt), followed by a big cry once I got home.  Can I tell you about it?

I'm sure there's a gift or a good ending in here if you hang in there with me.

 

When Caleb was born, he was my heart's delight, balancing out the other part of my heart's delight, his older sister, Lydia.  This is Caleb at 9 months.

 



 



And here he is at around age 4 or 5.

Born with severe autism, he is now 24...and because his appearance has drastically changed in the past 24 months or more...today we had a genetics consult.

Ever since he was a tiny baby, I took special care for his appearance...clothes, hair, etc.

When your adult child is living in a group home with other caregivers, you relinquish some of this because needs become greater than one's ability to provide.  His haircuts had not been kept up (since he reached adolescence, he's worn it short and tight), and I noticed how sparse his hair has gotten.  It broke my heart...in addition to other features that have drastically changed.  Now this is NOT about appearance...it is about loss.  The continual losses that occur naturally with a child with a disability.

He went to see his primary care doctor, as his foot/leg appeared swollen and a blood clot had to be ruled out...off to the Emergency Room.

After an hour there, no physician had picked up his chart and had seen him.  I called (I went back to work) and left my pager number.  Another hour and a half went by.  I went to the ER looking for the doctor who was seeing him...she asked me if I was so-and-so's mother (using the wrong name).  He was waiting for an ultrasound and there was nothing to report.  I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I curtly replied, "You could have paged me to tell me he had at least been seen."  Her reply, "I did not know."  My annoyance was obvious, "No one ever does."

As a sidenote, individuals with autism spectrum disorder (and his is most severe), have a challenging time waiting...bringing on anxiety and agitation...as their routine is thwarted.  In Caleb's case, it can result in severe self-injurious behavior to his head and face.  I felt timeliness was an ADA accommodation.

I left for home...waiting for a call regarding the outcome...admission?  was there a clot? what was it?  No call came; my pager did not go off.

And I hit the front door of my house and broke down and cried as if the world was coming to an end...



I needed to cry...and be helpless...and acknowledge the core of the issue...and ask God for mercy. 

In my quiet time this morning...I did not ask God for help in what I knew what would be a difficult day emotionally...not in so many words...



Even though I was moved after hearing this song found on  Ann Voskamp's blog...

And what was underneath today's circumstances that brought so much misdirected emotion?

My mother, in her 13th year of Alzheimer's...nearly in a vegitative state...turned 85 today.  I miss our close relationship of many years...terribly. The birthday rubs salt into that gaping wound of reality.   And I have no clear way of understanding this long, seemingly meaningless endurance of this cruel disease by one of God's very own.

But did I dance through this day with the strength and endurance of God's grace?  I didn't...I failed...I'm a mess...and dust...

BUT GOD...(two of my favorite words):

  is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
⁹ He will not always accuse us
or be angry forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve
or repaid us according to our offenses.

¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His faithful love
toward those who fear Him.
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed
our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He knows what we are made of,
remembering that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass—
he blooms like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ when the wind passes over it, it vanishes,
and its place is no longer known.^[b]
17 But from eternity to eternity
the Lord’s faithful love is toward those who fear Him. (Psalm 103:8-17 HCSB)

It was going on 7:00 p.m. and I still had not heard anything with regard to Caleb's outcome.  I called the Emergency Room, who said, "We don't have a Caleb..."  I stated he was either admitted or discharged and explained who I was.  I verified who I was but that all I could learn was that he had been discharged.  I insisted as his mother and legal guardian to know what happened...but not as before.

I received the opportunity to speak to the doctor to whom I had directed my emotion.  Kindly she gave me the diagnosis and discharge instructions.  I apologized for earlier in the day and told her the source of my frustration, that it was coming from a deep place of sorrow.  She was understanding and empathetic.  I explained that for once I did not have to be the professional...but I did not intend to project my day onto hers.



So I remain imperfected, flawed to the core, but lavished with His grace as I continue my coursework in spiritual school...

At the end of the day, I am grateful for God's grace...and a love for me that will not let me go.  And an opportunity to make amends.

Five on Friday - Five Families ... (Okay, there's really seven!)

Monday I was privileged to be part of a "red carpet" premiere of a documentary featuring seven families that have been involved in our pediatric palliative care center.  All of us who work in the center were in the documentary...but it was the families that really made this 60-minute film to educate medical students on pediatric palliative care.

Yes...we really did have a red carpet ceremony.

I can't think of anything I'd rather share or be a part of today...here's the trailer of Portraits of Life, Love, and Legacy through Pediatric Palliative Care:




Leaves you speechless...

Days 18 and 19 ~ Daring On to Crazy Joy

The weekend is here...

In full disclosure, I'm sitting up in bed in my jams writing this on my laptop...

No alarm, no schedule today...shower and clean up at will...now THAT'S a gift!

But my blog is on the itinerary...and my venture through the October Joy Dare!

Day 18 ~  One gift shared, saved, surrendered...

A gift from our good friends, Josh and Missi, sharing it with them and more than 54,000 folks, the inaugural Big 12 game for WVU against the Baylor Bears (I kept going "da Bears").  Several things happened that I had always wanted to experience:  seeing the Pride of West Virginia (WVU's marching band) form the state of West Virginia and then reverse it...marching down the field; staying til the end of a winning game to sing "Country Roads" along with the 54,000 others, along with John Denver; and hear Trace Adkins (who sang the national anthem).

On Valentine's Day last year...I was recovering from a medical procedure and went through these letters that had been saved for over sixty years.  I made this still from them.  They were love letters between my parents before they were married.  He was attending WVU in Morgantown (where my mother lived) but at the semester break, he went back to his home in Buckhannon, WV, two hours away.  It was a gift to read their playfulness with each other (my dad wrote almost the whole letter about returning back to Morgantown a few days later than planned...and then did a gotchya at the end.)  But the greatest gift was reading of their desire to serve Christ and to be certain their plans to marry was in line with God's will.

Wow...a gift surrendered! God has blessed me with legs I can use...legs that walk...legs that are sturdy.  And nearly every day I surrender that gift to Sidda, my cat, who loves to lay on them.  She's right there now on the other side of my laptop...sweet.

Day 19 ~ Three gifts unexpected...



















Truly...I don't mean to bring Edster into every blog entry...but he was a much unexpected gift.  I was content and satisfied with a decade of singleness.  Marriage was not something I was expecting again...







































Have you ever googled your name?  Well...I googled my son's name, who I introduced here and here, Caleb Smith.  Guess what...there's a Caleb Smith State Park...on Long Island, New York.  I never expected to go there...but here I am.  Ed took me there on way home from our honeymoon in Maine.

Caleb is involved with developmental disabilities county board.  Most often promotions are down with much higher functioning individuals.  And yes, it could feel hurtful. 

But I attended a bike race he and his pals participated in ~~ held in the parking lot of the county board.  It was a hoot!  They were paired up.  I remember one contestant who said to his female competitor, "You're going down!"  She SMOKED him! (But I digress...)  They were videotaping and because I was a parent there, they asked to interview me with Caleb promoting the county board (this is not the greatest photo).  Totally unexpected!!!

But we'll never see God's gifts if we don't take time to see...

What gifts have you seen today?

Day 14 ~Three Gifts Said ~ Joy Dare Continues

My last day of vacation is ebbing away...tomorrow I am back to routine...

Work...responsibilities...life...

But how can it be routine if every day God give me His new mercies every day?

Gift that I miss if I fail to look?

Gifts said...I'm to look for gifts said today...

No words need to be added to this photo...except all have brought me gifts of "words said" since yesterday...

And I am deeply loved and blessed...

Fall Frolic Full of Remembering ~ Part 2

The weather is changing fast...summer has almost closed the door on 2012, except for its Indian sister...

Earlier I began this story about my Fall walk with my Edster this week...

 

Our walk took us over to Brandywine Falls, part of the Cuyahoga Valley National Park...a place with much meaning for both of us.

 

When Edster first came to Akron, he had just had his 14th surgery on his knee...and his 2nd knee replacement...grateful that his leg had been spared despite ongoing neuropathic pain.  With Brandywine Falls close by, we made his therapy goal to be able to go down and up the boardwalk stairs to and from Brandywine Falls.  As Bruno shows you here...that's a LOT of stairs.

 

High stairs...

 

But he did it...and so we had our engagement setting taken at Brandywine Falls.

 

We had not visited there for such a long time since those days...despite it being nearby.

The night before my wedding, I slept at The Inn at Brandywine Falls...a 19th century farmhouse at the top of falls.   We had reserved several rooms over two nights for out-of-town guests in the wedding party.

 

That morning, a phone call at 5:30 a.m. from my brother told me that my father had died.  That night, alone in the room at the Inn, I received a very meaningful phone call at 11:30 p.m., from my boss.

I had not walked the grounds of the Inn since then, and our walk brought many memories...joy mingled with sorrow.

 

Our first night together as man and wife, we spent at the Inn, but in The Granary...formerly a chicken coop...it was now a suite apart from the main house.  It was beautiful and enchanting.  And historic...right up my alley.  But I had calling hours and a funeral to go through, before we could move on to Maine for our honeymoon.

 

It was wonderful this week to take the time out to slow down and walk...

 

to remember...

 

my miracle marriage to my husband...

 

and how much I miss my dad...

 

and how such mixed emotions come from the same place...

 

the heart...

for you cannot open yourself to love without also opening yourself up to grief.

I am truly blessed.

 

Mother's Day Mercies

"If we could see beyond today as God can see..." is my mother's favorite song.  And since October 2011, I have been challenged and inspired to seek the gifts God brings each day, through my photography, through Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, and of course, through God's Word.

I have not had a true conversation with my mother in almost a dozen years when she developed Alzheimer's. Today she is mute, sleeps most of the time, and has not known me for nearly three years or more.  And yet, despite the pain of seeing this wonderful woman await her Bridegroom as she endures what Robert Schaefer calls "the identity thief of the 21st century", I know there are gifts God brings in the middle of it all.  That is, what Ann Voskamp calls, "Hard Eucharisteos."

I am incredibly grateful beyond words for the 55 years she has lived out her faith before me, for demonstrating a servant's heart as she cared for her mother 24/7 for the last years of her life, and for her unwavering walk with Jesus that influenced me to walk with Him, also.

But what about now -- what about in the present?  Her hair is now long and I can french braid it freshly when I visit.  I can still touch her hand and pray with her and breathe in her presence.  I can feed her a strawberry sundae from McDonalds and play her favorite hymns and gospel songs from my laptop, knowing that the Spirit still ministers to hers.  I can find reasons to praise Him for the hard Eucharisteo...that makes my world stop and ponder about what is really important.  And I can kiss her forehead and stroke her face...little acts that someday I won't be afforded.  I can hear her singing her favorite song in my memory:

If we could see beyond today as God can see,
If all the clouds should roll away, the shadows flee;
Oe'r present griefs we would not fret, Each sorrow we would soon forget.
For many joys are waiting yet for you and me.
If we could see, if we could know, we often say,
But God in love, a veil doth throw, across our way
We cannot see what lies before
And so we cling to Him the more.
He leads us til this life is o'er, trust and obey.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  I love you!