Viral or Not...Quit Hustling!

More from the horse camp...

I am participating in this scary, pick-a-topic-and-write-every-day-for-31-days project.  We have a private Facebook page, and the subject came up about perhaps our post or blog goes viral.  A conversation ensued about competition.

Oh...it's that idol of approval/affirmation raising its ugly head.  I did not plan to write about this today, but since it is out there now...here goes.

There is a line in the movie, Luther, where Martin Luther's spiritual father says to him:

We teach best what we need to learn most.

I've never forgotten that line.  You see, I'm not an expert on the topic I chose; I need to integrate it more into my life.  It is an area that God has been speaking to me about the past couple of months, and I have far from overcome.  This is not about competition, but a tool for my own accountability. If God chooses to use it beyond that...I will be humbled...and honored.

So...what about this idol of the approval of or affirmation from others?  

Brene' Brown, one of my favorite social workers has spent twenty years doing research on guilt and shame, writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection...

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.

How many of us have done the hustle for worthiness??  :::raising my hand::: I tend to do it more subtly than others (or maybe I'm fooling myself) but I do it.  I compete for "likes" on Facebook or comments on my blog or Flickr with regard to my images.  I sometimes have felt it in the church... either with those I've known for a long time or with new friends.  At times the dance for worthiness in church alone can strangely begin to feel like all of us insecures (and all of us were!) in high school.

You may need to sit down before I disclose this...with all vulnerability exposed.  My walk with the Lord has not been linear.  It's had fits and starts...I've known divorce...my son is severely disabled...my daughter has her struggles...and my story is littered with sin and failure...but also shines of redemption and restoration.

During my quiet time, I came across my story in Ephesians 2.  My true story.  The story I want to live in and own.  Want to hear it?  It might be yours, too!

1-6 It wasn’t so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn’t know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah.

7-9 Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving.

This story fits me.  But without renewing my mind with it regularly...I'll fall into pursuit of that approval/affirmation idol...and out come my dancing shoes for me to do that worthiness hustle.  Such a waste of energy, not to mention all the damage it does to my relationships in the wake.

Look Who I Found? - A Friday Find!

I've been taking this awesome e-course by Brene' Brown based on her fantastic book, "The Gifts of Imperfection."  And I'm linking up with Kim's Friday Finds.

One assignment was to find a photo that is exuberant with the aura of who you truly are...

This was no easy task...it required a lot of time.

Well, here I am...pre-baggage!  Now this is a photo of the photo I put in my art journal...

And then we were to answer four questions and write them in our journal...

1. What do I see looking at her?
2. What do I love or admire about her?
3. What makes her light shine?
4. What can I do to take care of her?

Oooh...weird...thinking and writing about yourself in the third person!  But the truth is...we are so self-destructive in our thought patterns and maladaptive behaviors we use because the self-affliction we endure from ourselves...

So these are my responses...but this is an ongoing journey...

A profound exercise...not for the faint of heart...and not a one-stop-shop kind of deal.

I'm half tempted to put this photo up at work with a caption that says, "I'm on your side."

Courage is Owning Your Story

I'll be honest...I don't know how to write this post.  And yet...why not?  I often go on a soapbox about authenticity and being "real"...and so it would be hypocritical of me not to write this post, right?  (Got you wonderin', yet?)

I wrestle with depression...and boy have I slid into a pool of it this go round.  I know this bout is significant as I don't even have the gumption or energy to go to West Virginia for the Memorial Day holiday...a tradition I've had for almost a decade to decorate the graves of my ancestors.  The place I call home.

Not this year...

I'm not sure why I struggle...but it has been, for the most part, lifelong...but episodic.  Probably a combination of artistic temperament, introversion, family of origin, chronic stress, chronic sorrow, and marching to the beat of a different drummer...and also a life changed I mentioned in a previous post.  I'm resilient...but it doesn't come easy.  It's all God's grace.

I found these quotes quite eye-opening, as someone who has viewed creating equivalent to breathing:

• Artistic temperament sometimes seems a battleground, a dark angel of destruction and a bright angel of creativity wrestling. - Madeline L'Engle
• Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. - Stella Adler
• The arts are more dangerous [than other occupations] because they require sensitivity to a large extent.  If you go too far you can pay a price -- you can be too sensitive to live in this world. -Terence Ketter
• He was a complicated artist who had an inner life and embedded that inner life on the page.  His anxieties and fears brought him Lucy and the characters in ‘Peanuts.’  A normal person couldn’t have done it. - David Michaelis about Charles Schulz
  

But even more...was Ann Voskamp's post on April 7, 2013, after Rick Warren's youngest son died of suicide.  Ann tells of her own story...and how telling her story is what sets her free.  The thought I had at the end was, "Wow...I wish I had written that!"

We hear the term "mental illness" and see the Jared Loughners, Adam Lanzas, and the James Holmeses of society...the most severe extreme.  And yet, on any given day, no less than 35% of the population is dealing with issues of anxiety and depression...while still tolerating its pain in silence as they function in life...numbing as they go so they can take the next step.  But the numbing is actually adding to the problem.

With me, it comes in waves...starting out almost unnoticed...then a low buzz like the hum of a refrigerator...then I become more aware as my energy is zapped from doing anything or seeing/talking to anyone...and then stuck in a "what's the point" frame of mind...that interferes with doing anything with any of the little energy I have to muster...including reaching out.

And when do I know this bout has passed?  When I am able to glimpse purpose and meaning once again in my life...and that energizes me.  Deep, rich conversations with kindred spirits nourish my soul in a way beyond measure...including those dialogues with my Savior.

I did a series on The Battlefield of the Mind in March...about controlling how we think, how we talk to ourselves in our mind...because your thoughts create your emotions and subsequent behavior...your life, in fact.  My reward?  A bout of depression (I say while laughing).  I've heard it said that "we teach best what we need to learn most."  True dat!

But what bothers me still, is how the Church fails so miserably when fellow Christians, such as myself, are experiencing this pain.  What to do?

I love the suggestions in Rebekah Lyons' article:  My Take: Let's Quit Keeping Mental Illness a Secret.  She suggests:

Remove the stigma
As people of faith, let’s talk about mental illness, giving others permission to do the same. Let's release the stigma that keeps this a secret, holding untold millions captive. All secrets lose power when they exit the dark. The church is a place where we should be able to come as we are, with our longings for what we hope to be. Jesus always pursued the weak with open arms. When we are broken and fragile, He draws us closer to Him in ways we’ve never known. In my own journey, I’ve never felt more loved and cared for by God than in my darkest hours. When we grieve, we are comforted.

Be present
Let’s be present. Let’s love unconditionally. Eye to eye, we must be honest about our own struggles. Especially in the church, no one should have to hide or sneak around or double his or her dose. Let’s be on-call in the late night hours, when the phone rings and we are summoned to show up. What if our communities of faith were the one place you could count on to find a listening ear, a hand to hold, another loving human being with a compassionate and sensitive response?

Don't pretend to have all the answers 
Let's not shame mental illness with the judgment of spiritual weakness. As Christians, we believe this side of heaven all disease, sickness and pain is rooted in a world broken by sin. But there are real consequences to living amidst the mess. To oversimplify these complexities would be naive at best, negligent at worst. Faith should never undermine the necessity of doctors, of medications and therapy, because we must deploy every effort afforded to us when we tackle our brokenness.

Isolation/going-it-alone is the most treacherous route for those being tossed in the storm of anxiety or depression...and yet, I believe Ms. Lyons has it right.  Without understanding, available "others" in our lives, isolation is the least painful than being with those who are naive, clueless, smug, or pious.

I wrote on Facebook today, "Jesus came for the sick, not the smug"...a quote from Ann Voskamp.

In the end, Jesus is my go-to-guy and brings the hope of hope!  I have not wanted to go anywhere this weekend or pick up my camera to create anything...but I sit at home in the quiet, with the breeze coming through the house, hearing the songs of the birds of spring migration, with a glass of iced tea, having the courage to tell my story.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the Light. -Brene Brown

And all is grace and will always be...whether I recognize it or not.

And I feel a little motivation...to order my front porch swing, where I could have been sitting, with all of you beside me.  I'll let you know when it comes in!

You Can't Have One Without the Other

As I progress through the current book I'm reading...The Gifts of Imperfection...by Brene' Brown.  She's spent her career as a researcher of shame and resilience, spending the past ten years focusing how the gifts of imperfection can lead to wholehearted living.

She writes about over the years to research...there are certain concepts that cannot stand alone.

The concepts of joy and gratitude...without gratitude, there is no joy.

A virus got ahold of me and kept me in the house for four days...as well as took my voice.  We have had the long-awaited 70-degree spring, sunny days those four days.  I felt as if I might miss Spring in Ohio because I couldn't get out in it.

I went back to work today...at about 50%...but I went.  After dinner, Edster and I took a walk with the doggies...a slow stroll through the neighborhood.  I inhaled the Spring air and each bloom and blossom were eye candy as all the lawns were a lush green.  I viewed the neighborhood a little differently...a gratitude walk...not only to be outside, but to have the privilege to be surrounded by the brief beauty of the choreography of Spring.

And then there it was...the reviving of joy in the deepness of my soul.

My God, you are so creative and so amazing by what I see...how can anyone deny you or think that for one moment a relationship with the God of the Universe is dull.