This Ain't Gonna Be Pretty...

I need a do-over!  Today was not one that I allowed God to be graceful through me...

It was a day of hurt and frustration (which was really the expression of deep hurt), followed by a big cry once I got home.  Can I tell you about it?

I'm sure there's a gift or a good ending in here if you hang in there with me.

 

When Caleb was born, he was my heart's delight, balancing out the other part of my heart's delight, his older sister, Lydia.  This is Caleb at 9 months.

 



 



And here he is at around age 4 or 5.

Born with severe autism, he is now 24...and because his appearance has drastically changed in the past 24 months or more...today we had a genetics consult.

Ever since he was a tiny baby, I took special care for his appearance...clothes, hair, etc.

When your adult child is living in a group home with other caregivers, you relinquish some of this because needs become greater than one's ability to provide.  His haircuts had not been kept up (since he reached adolescence, he's worn it short and tight), and I noticed how sparse his hair has gotten.  It broke my heart...in addition to other features that have drastically changed.  Now this is NOT about appearance...it is about loss.  The continual losses that occur naturally with a child with a disability.

He went to see his primary care doctor, as his foot/leg appeared swollen and a blood clot had to be ruled out...off to the Emergency Room.

After an hour there, no physician had picked up his chart and had seen him.  I called (I went back to work) and left my pager number.  Another hour and a half went by.  I went to the ER looking for the doctor who was seeing him...she asked me if I was so-and-so's mother (using the wrong name).  He was waiting for an ultrasound and there was nothing to report.  I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I curtly replied, "You could have paged me to tell me he had at least been seen."  Her reply, "I did not know."  My annoyance was obvious, "No one ever does."

As a sidenote, individuals with autism spectrum disorder (and his is most severe), have a challenging time waiting...bringing on anxiety and agitation...as their routine is thwarted.  In Caleb's case, it can result in severe self-injurious behavior to his head and face.  I felt timeliness was an ADA accommodation.

I left for home...waiting for a call regarding the outcome...admission?  was there a clot? what was it?  No call came; my pager did not go off.

And I hit the front door of my house and broke down and cried as if the world was coming to an end...



I needed to cry...and be helpless...and acknowledge the core of the issue...and ask God for mercy. 

In my quiet time this morning...I did not ask God for help in what I knew what would be a difficult day emotionally...not in so many words...



Even though I was moved after hearing this song found on  Ann Voskamp's blog...

And what was underneath today's circumstances that brought so much misdirected emotion?

My mother, in her 13th year of Alzheimer's...nearly in a vegitative state...turned 85 today.  I miss our close relationship of many years...terribly. The birthday rubs salt into that gaping wound of reality.   And I have no clear way of understanding this long, seemingly meaningless endurance of this cruel disease by one of God's very own.

But did I dance through this day with the strength and endurance of God's grace?  I didn't...I failed...I'm a mess...and dust...

BUT GOD...(two of my favorite words):

  is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in faithful love.
⁹ He will not always accuse us
or be angry forever.
¹⁰ He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve
or repaid us according to our offenses.

¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His faithful love
toward those who fear Him.
¹² As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed
our transgressions from us.
¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
¹⁴ For He knows what we are made of,
remembering that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass—
he blooms like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ when the wind passes over it, it vanishes,
and its place is no longer known.^[b]
17 But from eternity to eternity
the Lord’s faithful love is toward those who fear Him. (Psalm 103:8-17 HCSB)

It was going on 7:00 p.m. and I still had not heard anything with regard to Caleb's outcome.  I called the Emergency Room, who said, "We don't have a Caleb..."  I stated he was either admitted or discharged and explained who I was.  I verified who I was but that all I could learn was that he had been discharged.  I insisted as his mother and legal guardian to know what happened...but not as before.

I received the opportunity to speak to the doctor to whom I had directed my emotion.  Kindly she gave me the diagnosis and discharge instructions.  I apologized for earlier in the day and told her the source of my frustration, that it was coming from a deep place of sorrow.  She was understanding and empathetic.  I explained that for once I did not have to be the professional...but I did not intend to project my day onto hers.



So I remain imperfected, flawed to the core, but lavished with His grace as I continue my coursework in spiritual school...

At the end of the day, I am grateful for God's grace...and a love for me that will not let me go.  And an opportunity to make amends.

It's Arthur Time!!!

A lay low Sunday...Edster's been sick in bed all day...and I woke up with a sinus headache, which improved by mid-day...so we laid low.

I was blessed to see our Bruno and Arthur this afternoon as I watched them interact in the backyard...

Yes, they are playing...

And playing hard...

And it's a two-way street...

But again, Arthur knows he's runnin' with a big dog...

but he's making his way...

until Mom hollers, "Time out!"...

But that doesn't last long...

But Bruno reaches his limit and ponders..."What happened to life as I once knew it?"

So Arthur shakes it off...feels a little dejected...but in a nano second his attention is elsewhere...

Hmmmmmmm...SNOW!!!!!

Let's play "SNOW PLOW!"  He is overflowing with joy as he ponders, "Is there no end to this mischief?"

which shows ALL over his face...

and I laugh...

and am blessed!

Variations on a Theme and Beyond

It seemed last year as if my photography literally took off 52 weeks ago when starting an e-course by Kim Klassen, Beyond Layers.  Sadly, it has come to an end...

But...now we are on to a new journey, Beyond Beyond, which I'll be sharing with you over the next year.

Week 1 - Take a series of photographs of a setting, from different angles, perspectives, etc.  Pay attention to each photograph with intention.

Stealing an idea from the infamous Viv Halliwell of Desktop Dreams, I'm going to digitally journal my assignments, so I can print them into a scrapbook at the end of the year.

Here's my result from this week:

paper from Teri Hanson's Serenity kit; frames from Katie Pertiet

I made a still using a cup I bought as a prop from TJMaxx, a stone heart from our pediatric palliative care retreat last summer, a few peachy-coral carnations from a boquet Edster got me for my birthday last week, an inexpensive, heart-shaped glass vase from Pat Catan's, and Julia Cameron's wonderful book, The Prosperous Heart: Creating a Life of Enough.

Additionally...

Kim shared her recent thoughts about being present...

And asked us to consider the following:

• Did you enjoy the challenge, did you discover anything new about yourself, why is your favourite your favourite? What do you love most about it?
• Was it difficult to find time for the exercise, did you feel rushed…..
• Consider printing a small version of your fav and taping/gluing it inside your journal.

I did enjoy the challenge...very much.  I loved the colors and how so many items tied together.  I loved the different angles and then the creative rush that comes as I process them.  (I'll show you my favorite at the end.)

I did feel rushed...in fact, I feel rushed most of the time.  I still recall Anythony Hopkins, playing C. S. Lewis in the movie, Shadowlands (A MUST SEE), "We live in the shadowlands.  Always wanting to be somewhere else...around the next bend...over the next hill." 

The problem with that is...we don't live where we are...in the moment...in the now...seeing the abundant mercies of God He has lavished on us today, right now...

I am tempted, working full time, to want to rush the week away to the weekend.  It is the weekend when I have more flexibility to create, do indoor shooting (more light), do more writing, spending unscheduled time with my husband, dogs, and in solitude with my Savior.

And yet...even on the weekends...I feel this rush.  Hurry...you may not fit everything in by the time Monday comes around again,says the Committee in my head.  (Sidenote:  This "committee" in my head is a recent epiphany which I'll write more about in future postings.)

As I write this, I'm feeling this pressure to get outside and take some snow photos, since it is the weekend and I have daylight available.  And yet...it keeps me from being totally present in my writing right now.  STOP IT!

Edster and I were going to go down to the Cuyahoga Valley National Park to do some photography today...

And there was discussion of possibly going to a matinee...

But his neuralgia pain from his 14 knee surgeries flares up horrendously with the bitter cold, and he's had to be off of his feet most of the day.

So he lays on the bed, I'm propped up with pillows sitting next to him with Arthur and Bruno on the bed as well...and my one camera with the 300mm lens beside me where I've captured some photos of birds that have shown up at the feeders...

I may do a still shot later...

Edster and I may walk the neighborhood with the dogs and camera if his knee feels better...

But whatever...it is enough...I am present, I'm relishing in just having unscheduled, unfettered time...embracing (there's that word) so much right where I am, right now!

So here is my favorite shot...

Why?  I like the light...the kind of painterly, scratch effect...I used Kim's texture called "Italy" in my processing.

So I embrace today...whatever it holds...knowing that no matter what...God's gifts are mine.  And all is as it should be.

The Phantom Mustache

Something weird happened at work today...

Quietly, mysteriously, eerily...

Almost like...not almost like...it WAS...

THE PHANTOM MUSTACHE

These little mustaches started showing up on all the computer monitors...

One...
          by....
                   One...

At first, I thought this could only be the work of one person...

Yes...that Kristina Rust...

She has this odd obsession with mustaches...including on her coffee mug so it looks like she even HAS one.

But she's on the West Coast...

Who else could it have been?

Oh yeah...it was ME!

Thankful for a little levity today!

A Birthday Present

Missing a day of work is like missing a week most places (or more)...imagine how I'm feeling being off sick for three days and just finished reading my work email late on a Sunday night before I go in tomorrow.   Deep breaths...

I joined 52 in 2013, a Flickr group, this year.  You are to take a photograph based on the theme of each week...and you cannot use an OLD photograph.  It has to be taken during THAT week, with strict cutoff times.

Week 3 (this past week)...the theme...WEATHER

I live in Northeast Ohio...no problem.  Alas, no rain, no snow, if things didn't change it would be a boring photograph of gray clouds.  Plus being sick...my opportunities were even slimmed down even more. Yikes!

I don't know what possessed me to look out the window on my birthday, this past Thursday...but look what God painted just for me!!!!!

Grabbed my Nikon, stuck my head out the sliding glass door for a nano second to get a quick click,
and there was my weather photo.  Yes, clouds...but with that BONUS red glow!  What a birthday present!  Wow...

52 Weeks...Reviewing My Year of Artfulness

Wow...a journey ends (or does it?) and another begins...

On January 16, 2012, I started a whole year of arfulness with Kim Klassen using my photography in her class (but it's not really a class...it's like a spa or retreat or just what the doctor ordered) Beyond Layers:  52 Weeks of Artfulness.

I thought I would review the year in this post...

Monday she gave us this challenge to edit one of her photos utilizing using all that had evolved in us over the year.  Here is the original photo...

...and this was Kim's challenge...

I shot this tulip photo using a black background (something I rarely do)..... When I looked at the photo on my computer I knew immediately what I wanted to do with it. Then it hit me... I wonder if the Beyonders might do the same....something completely different.... what might they do?   And so... I give you this image... play away..... I will share my version along with my recipe on Thursday......
 

Here's my interpretation...

 

 

It made me reflect in a profound way how much I had grown in my art, one day at a time, one week at a time, just showing up, doing the work...with persistence and patience.

 

Come with me as I review just a smidgen of what I experienced in 2012... 

 

 

"Just Enough" - taking a photo...simple composition...simple texture...simple processing...just enough to draw the viewer in...

Writing a memoir in ONLY six words...

And then there was Vision and Blur...using aperture and exposure compensation to create a small area of focus and a soft blur...maximizing light and softness.

And I remember when we were challenged to create a storyboard and document our day...this one day of work in pediatric palliative care.

And learning how to make a photograph have a painterly effect...this was a place setting during our palliative care retreat at the O'Neil House.

And we worked on Black and White...this was at the Barnes & Noble in Columbus at Polaris...

And this was a still life done at home...(never really got into doing still lifes before this class).

We experimented with finding and photographing fences...

Played with type tricks...this is from our butterfly bush in the front yard...

And we were challenged to find shapes in our every day world...my grandson, Elijah, and I looked for circles at Seiberling Nature Realm.

 

And how to make a photo look like a polaroid...

 

Or like it had been taken with a Kodak Instamatic (remember those Flashcubes?)...

 

Making dream-like images...

 

One photo, three ways...

 

A still used as a book review...(actually, kind of a composite of some favorite books that hold meaning to us)...

 

And playing with life's light...

While I learned all sorts of tips, acquired tons of new textures, explored things I hadn't done before...it was truly a class that went Beyond Layers...the mechanics of learning to do photographic art with layers...but to relish in all of the inspiration Kim provided, as well as embracing our own unique creative gifts by taking the time to slow down, to see, be present, to be ourselves, to march to the beat of a different drummer, and finding others like us. 

We Beyonders have become quite a community...like family.

What a year it has been...and now onto Beyond Beyond!

 

A Cuppa Challenge Connected to One Little Word

My Beyond Layers class is coming to an end...it's been an amazing year...learning so much about editing, photography, life, and myself...plus meeting some wonderful women.

Day 101 brought a specific Challenge from Kim...

Make (or take) a photo with the following 3 items: a cup, a book, and an accessory. (think creatively on the accessory.... perhaps a favourite thing or even something unexpected.)

Experiment with different light and perspectives until you create the just right look and feel for your photo.

Edit the photo using one or both of Monday's textures (chaos and calamity).

  

 

 

I knew I wanted to incorporate this book...I have just begun to scratch the surface in reading it.  It is Susan Cain's book name Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Cannot Stop Talking.  Knowing the book had strong colors of gray, bold red, and white...I knew my accessory choice would be limited.  I chose these red carnations.

 

This mug I had found just yesterday...I love the theme and the type was consistent with the font type on the book's dust jacket.  I loved the repeat of  the "Life is good" on the inside of the mug, as well.  I turned the tag on the teabag around to the plain side...typing the word "embrace"...my one little word.  Reading yesterday's post, you can see my reflection about embracing life and just to be born is a compliment from God.

 

But today it was around 60 degrees in Ohio in January...unheard of!  And I thought I would take my still outside to photograph...

 

 

The issue of introversion in a world that values extroversion is a new area of exploration for me...answering a lot of questions about myself and questioning if I've felt, at times, as if this value of extroversion has pressured me to live a double life at times?  This will be part of my year's pursuit in My Little Word in embracing who I truly am...with the unique gifts God has given me.

 

 



 

 

And then I wanted to bring to the forefront the words "a World That Can't Stop Talking."  I could not help but think about my son, Caleb, who cannot talk, but says so much, to people who stop and listen.  He communicates continually, if one takes the time to know him and read him.  He has touched many and has made lasting positive impressions on others in his own silent way.

 

But there is not a single person born who does not have a valuable contribution to the world...who has something to say.  As Susan Cain says, "Those with the best ideas are not always the ones doing all the talking."

 

This is going to be an interesting year!

 



Embracing Arthur

I'm embracing Arthur (remember my word for the year is embrace).  Have you met Arthur?  He was a surprising gift God led us to before Christmas...

I'm beyond having babies...and my grandboys have moved 2-1/2 hours away (and I don't think there will be any more)...and knowing Bruno's mortality at age 6...Edster and I started talking about bringing him a new buddy to be part of our family.

This is me holding Arthur with his sister, and Dentist Dave, the breeder.  I had to choose between these two.  He had a litter of 7, is keeping two (Kevin and Dorothy), sold three, owns the mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother who were all there...and they all were delightful!

Arthur is a full-blooded pedigree Pembroke Welsh Corgi...he is 1/4 Sammy Sosa, who was named the #1 Pembroke Welsh Corgi in the country by the American Kennel Club in 2001 and won the Herding Group at the Westminster Kennel Club Show at Madison Square Garden in 2002.  Arthur, Bruno, Edster and I will be watching together on February 11-12, 2013 this year.

But Arthur is just our companion...no showing for him.  I don't have the stomach for the politics and that was not my purpose.  We just wanted to be assured he came from good stock.  And how!

But that does not mean he does not get into trouble...he ended up with the same inmate number as another famous person.

Now Corgi's were bred to help herd cattle...very intelligent and agile, they were bred to be low to nip at heels of the cattle that they would herd in the fields of the British Isles, particularly Wales.  "Arthur" is Welsh for "bear".

Speaking of famous people, Queen Elizabeth II is well known for her Corgis who even made an appearance at the summer Olympics of 2012 in London.  You can see her here, along with other famous people with their Corgis including Stephen King, Ava Gardner, Kiefer Sutherland (24), Governor Jerry Brown, Julie Benz, Selma Blair, and Kirstie Allie.  Jennifer Aniston is pictured in the slide show but the hair of that dog doesn't jive with a Corgi...

But he is fitting in very well...even carrying on with Bruno.  He's gotten off the porch...

And loves his "flack jacket"...

And has incredible wisdom...look what he says about mistakes (of which he'll have many)...

And how everything is new and full of wonder and opportunities of exploration...just thrilled to be alive!

And it brings me back to all that I need to embrace...to take nothing for granted...to see all as a gift from the God I serve.  To be too busy in wonder and joy to ever complain...because you cannot be thankful and joyful at the same time you're complaining or whining.

Part of I Peter 1:8 tells us to, rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory... because we believe in Him, the source of all joy.

So today I embrace Arthur, who God uses, through his little, spirited life, how I am to be...as a child, full of wonder and joy and realizing that it is a compliment from God that I was born.